If
you live on planet earth, chances are you’ve been hurt or wronged. If not you’re
probably too young to be on the Internet.
The
bad news is that people will always hurt you. There is no escaping that. If you’re
lucky it won’t be intentional if you’re not so lucky people will intentionally
hurt you. Fear not, it happens to everyone.
Sometimes
people don’t even realise they’ve hurt you and that’s not to say you are overly
sensitive. Remember the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words
will not harm me”? Well, that’s a big lie! Words hurt. They cut you deep,
deeper sometimes than sticks and bones!
The
most painful type is when people who supposedly love you hurt you. You know,
your spouse, your sibling, your parent, your child or your friend. These people
will be in your life for a very long time. So how do you deal with that? How do
you forgive them? How do you NOT hold it against them? You may have to confront
people however you cannot possibly confront everyone that hurts you. Some you
are just going to have to let go. That’s life.
We’ve
all heard some myths about forgiveness.
One
of the myths is that forgiveness is a feeling. So you hear people say things
like “I am not ready to forgive” or “I can’t forgive that”.
Forgiveness
is not a feeling. If you are waiting to feel right in order to forgive, you may
wait a really long time. Forgiveness is a choice. It’s a decision you take. It
is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment, anger,
bitterness or vengeance towards someone who has hurt you, regardless of whether
they actually deserve your forgiveness or not.
Another
myth is ‘forgive and forget’. Forgiving does not necessarily mean you forget. Let’s
be honest we have our memories and as much as we’d love to, we cannot blot out an
event or hurt. Also forgiving does not mean excusing or condoning the
behaviour.
Forgiveness
is not about the other person. It’s not about how sorry they are, or their
promise never to do it again, it’s not even a function of their apology. They may
never ask for forgiveness. They may never even know that you forgave them. No. It’s
about you. It’s about releasing the other person and yourself so that you don’t
go about carrying bitterness and resentment in your heart. It’s about your
wholeness. It’s about your health and soundness.
Sometimes
you may need to confront the person that’s hurt you (in such cases the words
you use are extremely important). However most times you will not have the
opportunity to confront the person that’s hurt you either because they’ve moved
away or passed on or simply because you don’t want to rehash all that.
Forgiveness
means you let off the hook, you do not keep score and you do not hold it
against them. So how do you go about forgiving someone that’s hurt you? Firstly:
Assess
the Damage:
It
hurt me when he/she said/did……..
It
made me feel…… (Neglected, angry, embarrassed……)
Choose
to forgive and release the debt
But
I choose as an act of my will to forgive them and release them from anything
that they owe, even if they do it again.
Now
you don’t want them to do it again, but remember you don’t have control over
anyone and also it’s not about them, it’s about you.
Remember
your choice
You
are going to need it. For each time they hurt you remember your decision to
forgive.
Love,
Chiddy
Chiddy
